Uncle Shawn

Hi, students of Roe-meg Middle School. Elias Wilkey, here. Remember, your old buddy from Rogers Park? I've got a couple things to tell you today. First of all: WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? Really! It's about time I told you the real reason that I didn't go to Roe-meg like the rest of you. It might be shocking, but it's true. It's because of your mascot (i.e. school animal). Roe-meg Trojans? Give me a break. Do you people think you are really a bunch of prehistoric gladiators with fuzzy helmets? Now you might say, "There there, Elias, don't display your ignorance. Trojans weren't prehistoric gladiators with fuzzy helmets. They were sophisticated machines of war. Some of them were indeed very smart." Indeed. Well, have you ever heard that story about the Trojan Horse? It wasn't always a computer virus. The Trojans were at war with Greece. So the Greeks hid inside a big huge rocking horse and parked it outside the gates of Troy. Then the Trojans decided to just bring it inside. Then the Greeks pop out and kill everybody. Now the Trojans are extinct. Just like the dinosaurs. And the dodo bird. Sounds like a good thing to have as a school icon. I just hope nobody leaves an explosive rocking horse outside the main entrance.

I just happen to know someone who might be a better resemblance of the true spirit of your high and mighty school. He is my Uncle Shawn from Oregon. He is so strong he can slam a revolving door. When he was born, the only one who cried was the doctor. Never slap Shawn. In fact, if you see Uncle Shawn, it's already too late. And definitely never do a Google Search for Uncle Shawn. Google knows that you don't search for Uncle Shawn. He searches for you.

Uncle Shawn doesn't sleep. He waits. While he's "waiting," he uses a night light. Why? Not because he's afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of him.

Uncle Shawn knows that you have a "Highly Gifted" program at Roe-meg. On the High-giftedness scale, he is off the charts. Which side of the charts? All three. In fact, he is so smart that he counted to infinity. Twice. I bet even you 7th grade freaks of nature doing Geometry can't match that.

Uncle Shawn is without peers. He had one once, but he roundhouse kicked him in the stomach and sent him all the way to Madagascar, where he met his death at the hands of crazed lemurs.

You might think that Uncle Shawn sounds a lot like Chuck Norris. Well, when Chuck Norris saw Uncle Shawn, Chuck Norris decided to move to Finland and become a cave hermit.

I rest my case.

And of course Uncle Shawn would be glad to be your school's mascot. As long as he were allowed to join the rodeo team. He has a cowboy hat. And he can lasso people from about 300 yards away. Just make sure you aren't one of those people.

Your friend,

Elias Wilkey, IV